The Unspoken Rulebook: What Happens When You Question the Script

Originally written for Mens Counselling Service, 2025

From a young age, many of us are handed an invisible rulebook. No one sits you down to read it to you, but we absorb its lessons and the roles we learn to play.

• For men, this might be: Project confidence. Achieve. Don't show weakness.

• As a firstborn, the rulebook might insist: You must set the example. Be responsible for others.

• As a professional, it might say: Your career is your identity. Always be climbing. Financial success equals personal worth.

• As a caretaker, the rules might be: Always put others first. It’s selfish to ask for your own needs to be met.

Maybe you recognise one of these scripts. These rules can initially feel like a source of identity, a clear path to follow. But what happens when following them leads to exhaustion, isolation, or the unsettling feeling that you're playing a part that no longer fits.

This is the quiet crisis of living a life based on a script you didn't choose.

The Unseen Rulebook and Its Cost

These rules are embedded in our families, our cultures, and our communities. The authors could be our parents, the media, our peers or the institutions we were part of.

From these sources, we internalise implicit messages, much of it unconsciously; it's the quiet, background noise of our upbringing that we mistake for common sense. Because we rarely stop to analyse them, a dissonance grows between the person you feel you are and the person the rulebook says you should be.

This internal conflict has a cost. It can show up as a relentless pressure to perform, a compulsive need to be self-reliant, or a deep-seated belief that you shouldn't 'burden’ others. If you see yourself as the 'fixer' or the 'stoic,' what are you to do with your own fear, uncertainty, or disappointment? The result can be a profound sense of exhaustion, a debilitating isolation, or a quiet, gnawing dissatisfaction—sometimes one, sometimes all at once.

The Moment of Questioning

This realisation often dawns at unexpected times. It might be the hollow feeling after a long-sought achievement—the promotion, the house—that was supposed to bring fulfilment. It could be a relationship crisis that your old playbook can't solve. You might see it in a shorter temper with your family, which is really the overflow of your own unmet needs, or in a constant, low-grade anxiety that you're one mistake away from being 'found out.' Sometimes, it's as simple as waking up one day feeling utterly adrift. While deeply uncomfortable, this disorientation is the necessary starting point for change.

Therapy as a Space to Deconstruct the Rulebook

Therapy provides the space to uncover the rulebook you've internalised. It's where you can finally stop and ask, "Wait, where did I learn that?" Through this type of discovery, therapy gives you the opportunity to assess what values you want to keep, which are authentically yours, and which you’d like to leave behind because they no longer serve you, or perhaps they never did.

This process is not about finding new rules to follow. It’s about tuning into your inner compass, setting boundaries that honour your limits, and making choices based on what you value, not what you were told should matter. The goal is to move from a life of performance to one of purpose—ultimately building a life that truly feels like your own.

You might wonder how this abstract "deconstruction" happens in the room. It’s often surprisingly practical. We might explore a recent moment of frustration and gently trace it back. What was the unspoken rule in that situation? Was it 'I must be in control'? Or 'I shouldn't need help'? We then get curious about its origin. Who modelled it? What did it help you navigate in the past? This isn't about blaming, but about understanding its function. Once you see the rule clearly, you can consciously decide: Does this still serve the man I am today? Or who I want to be?

This isn't an intellectual exercise. It’s an experiential one. We pay attention to the sensations in your body when a rule is triggered—the tightness in your chest, the clenching of your jaw. This is where the real work happens, in the felt sense of what it's like to not follow the old command.

Over time, this leads to subtle yet profound changes. You might find yourself setting a boundary without guilt, asking for support without shame, or simply feeling a sense of quiet confidence that comes from making a choice aligned with your values, not your conditioning. Relationships can become more genuine because you're no longer using all your energy just to hold it together. The exhaustion of this constant effort begins to lift, freeing up energy for the people and pursuits you truly care about.

Taking the Next Step: A Conversation

Questioning the rulebook you've lived by for years is a significant step. It’s natural to have questions about what the process is really like and whether it can help with your specific situation.

If you're at the point of struggling with the internal dissonance, the work we do is designed to help you find alignment and purpose. My role is to facilitate your search for a different way. In our sessions, we create a space where you don't have to perform or have it all figured out. It's a place to untangle the expectations at your own pace and reclaim the parts of yourself that the rulebook silenced.

If anything in this article resonates with you, I invite you to book a free, 30-minute consultation call with me. You can learn more about my approach on my website or contact me via email. This is a chance to ask your questions, see if we're a good fit, and get a clearer sense of the path forward. I'd be happy to explore what working together could look like.