We Cannot Choose What We Are Not Aware Of

Most of us like to think we make conscious choices.

We decide where we go, what we say, how we respond, who we spend time with, and what kind of life we want to live. Yet much of our daily experience suggests something more complicated.

You may have driven somewhere and realised you can barely remember the journey.

You may have reached for your phone without consciously deciding to.

You may have agreed to something you did not really want to do and only later recognised your reluctance, perhaps when you’re already there.

Perhaps you have found yourself having the same argument for the tenth time, responding to criticism in a familiar way, or withdrawing from someone just when you most wanted to feel close to them.

These patterns can feel frustrating, and sometimes not just for us, but also those closest to us.

But as many of our thoughts, feelings and behaviours operate automatically, it can be difficult to know how to change what we’re doing. Things unfold so quickly and so familiarly that we barely notice them. We experience the result of the pattern without necessarily seeing the pattern itself.

One of the central insights of Gestalt therapy is both simple and profound: Awareness comes before change.

Not because awareness automatically changes things, but because we cannot choose what remains outside our awareness.

We Are Often Repeating Rather Than Choosing

Many of the difficulties that bring people to therapy involve patterns that seem to repeat despite genuine efforts to change them, leaving you asking: "Why do I keep doing this?" 

It's a natural question. Yet sometimes another question is equally important: "Am I aware that I am doing it while it is happening?"

Many patterns become so familiar that they no longer feel like patterns at all. They simply feel like who we are.

This is partly because many of these responses began life as creative adaptations.

The person who learned to please others may once have discovered that harmony felt safer than conflict.

The person who avoids vulnerability may have learned that openness carried risks.

The person who constantly anticipates other people's reactions may have grown up in an environment where careful observation was necessary.

These responses often make sense within the context in which they developed.

The difficulty is that what once served us can gradually become automatic. And over time, this adaptation can become a habit. A habit can become a pattern. And a pattern can become so familiar that we no longer notice it operating.

We experience ourselves as choosing, while in reality we may be unconsciously repeating.

The Gestalt Question: What Are You Aware Of Right Now?

Many approaches to therapy place considerable emphasis on understanding why we think, feel and behave as we do.

We often look backwards, exploring childhood experiences, important relationships, significant events and formative influences. This kind of understanding can be incredibly valuable, and offer so much insight. But Gestalt therapy is often interested in something that comes before understanding.

Before we explain our experience, can we notice it?

At first this can seem like an unusual question. Many of us are far more accustomed to explaining our experience than noticing it.

We tell stories about ourselves.

We offer interpretations.

We describe situations.

Yet direct awareness can sometimes reveal things that explanation misses. We might begin noticing:

·         the huge variety of thoughts moving through our mind in one moment

·         emotions that are present

·         sensations in the body

·         impulses and urges

·         tension and discomfort

·         desires and needs

The focus shifts from analysing your experience to noticing the real-time flow of experience itself.

The tension that appears and disappears.

The impulse to speak or stay silent.

The tiny movements we make internally and externally as we try to stay comfortable, connected or protected.

Consider someone who says "I'm fine.". At one level, that may be true. Yet as attention turns towards immediate experience, other things may emerge.

A tightness in the chest.

A clenched jaw.

An urge to change the subject.

A heaviness behind the eyes.

A sadness that was not fully recognised a moment ago.

Nothing new has been created. The experience was already there. What has changed is awareness.

Figure and Ground: What Gets Our Attention?

One of Gestalt therapy's most useful ideas is known as figure and ground. At any given moment, some aspects of experience stand out clearly while others remain in the background.

Imagine sitting in a café while absorbed in conversation. For some time, you may barely notice the music playing overhead. Then suddenly a familiar song begins. The music moves from background to foreground.

The Phenomenon of Floating by Rob Gonsalves

Or perhaps you become aware of hunger halfway through the afternoon. The sensation was developing long before you noticed it. Your awareness simply caught up with it.

The same thing happens psychologically. Certain experiences occupy the foreground of awareness while others remain in the background.

Sometimes we become aware that we have been anxious all day. Or we suddenly recognise how exhausted we are. Or perhaps we notice a feeling of loneliness that has quietly accompanied us for weeks.

These experiences were not absent. They simply had not fully entered awareness. The background of experience often contains important things.

Resentment.

Grief.

Fear.

Longing.

Disappointment.

Need.

Hope.

Vulnerability.

These experiences can influence our behaviour even when we are not consciously aware of them. In fact, what sits in the background often shapes our lives far more than we realise.

Part of therapy involves becoming more aware of what is already present but has gone unnoticed. Not because every feeling must be analysed. Not because every sensation contains a hidden message. But because awareness broadens our understanding of what is influencing us.

When We Lose Awareness, Our Patterns Choose For Us

This matters because experiences that remain outside awareness often continue to influence our behaviour.

If I am unaware of my fear, my fear may organise my choices.

If I am unaware of my need for approval, I may find myself constantly adapting to what I think others want from me.

If I am unaware of my resentment, it might show up as irritation, withdrawal or distance.

If I am unaware of my loneliness, I may seek connection in ways I don't fully understand.

This doesn't mean awareness removes these experiences, but it brings them into view. Once we can see it more clearly, we are no longer relating to it in quite the same way. Something that was organising us from the background becomes part of what we can notice.

There is a profound difference between:

"I just had to leave the room."

and

"I noticed how exposed I felt when they said that."

Or

"I always say yes."

and

"I noticed the anxiety that appeared when I considered saying no."

The behaviour may not change immediately. But awareness introduces more space to choose.

Awareness Is Not the Same as Insight

This distinction is particularly important. Insight often sounds like:

"I know this comes from this part of my childhood."

Or:

"I understand that this relates to my relationship with my school friends."

Insight can be valuable. Understanding our history often helps us make sense of ourselves.

But Gestalt therapy uses awareness in a broader sense. Awareness is often immediate rather than explanatory. This attention to immediate experience forms part of what is often meant by working at depth in therapy. 

It sounds more like:

"As I'm talking about this, I notice my stomach tightening."

Or:

"I can feel an urge to withdraw."

Or:

"I realise I'm smiling while talking about something painful."

This kind of awareness brings us into direct contact with our experience as it is unfolding. It is less concerned with explanation and more concerned with observation.

Interestingly, people sometimes possess considerable insight while remaining disconnected from their immediate experience. They may understand their patterns intellectually yet continue to feel trapped within them. This is one reason why insight alone does not always produce change. Knowing something and living from that understanding are not the same thing.

Awareness Creates Possibility

However, awareness should not be romanticised. It doesn’t create confidence, guarantee change or dissolve longstanding patterns.

Becoming aware of ourselves can sometimes feel uncomfortable. We may notice feelings we would rather avoid. Or recognise tensions that have been present for years. Or become aware of needs that are difficult to acknowledge.

Yet awareness creates possibility. It gives us the opportunity to respond, rather than react.

Often, the gap is small at first. But we can come to recognise our anger before sending the message, our exhaustion before agreeing to another commitment or our anxiety before avoiding the conversation.

The old response may still occur. But increasingly it becomes something we are participating in rather than something that simply happens to us.

A Simple Experiment

Over the next few days, you might want to try this out by occasionally pause and ask yourself a few simple questions.

What am I aware of right now?

What am I feeling?

What is happening in my body?

What do I want?

What am I avoiding?

What seems to be pulling for my attention?

There is no need to analyse your answers.

No need to improve anything.

The aim is not self-criticism or improvement

We're simply noticing.

You may be surprised by what has been quietly present.

Noticing What Is Already There

We spend much of our lives responding to situations before we have fully noticed what is happening within us.

Yet the more aware we become of our thoughts, feelings, bodily responses and impulses, the easier it becomes to recognise the patterns that shape our lives.

Awareness does not guarantee change. But it creates the possibility of seeing ourselves more clearly. And what enters awareness becomes something we can decide on.

Because we cannot choose what we are not aware of.